My Humanity, My Frustration, My Sin

Sometimes I absolutely hate the fallacies of the human species. I am not referring the stupid things that other people do that irritate us, nor am I referring only to the big things that others do that hurt us or cause us great distress or sorrow. I am referring to the things that I myself do that I despise. Sometimes I find myself saying or doing something that I know is wrong, even in the moment. I may even hear that voice in my head screaming "Cut it out, you moron!" And yet I keep at it. I can be petty, selfish, vindictive, and just plain mean, all the while knowing full well that I am making a mistake. I hate that about myself, more than anything else. Yes, I may be angry at the person or situation that provoked my behavior, but because I am ultimately responsible for my behavior, I am most disgusted with myself. Afterwards, I feel bad, I want to take it back or do something to make it better, but that's not possible. Only time might heal those wounds. I pray that it will.

It's times like these that I can most sympathize with the Apostle Paul. Granted, I disagree with Paul on many different matters, but I think he nailed the tedious and frustrating failings of humanity. Romans 7:15-20 describes exactly what I mean:

15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Nothing in the Bible more aptly describes how I feel at such times. It gives me a minuscule but notable amount of comfort to know that I am not alone in this internal struggle. Nevertheless, I hate the sin I do. I know it is wrong, and I do it anyway. I am ashamed. I am sorrowful. I am human. I spend every day of my working life helping people better understand the nature of the mistakes they make in their own lives, in an effort to avoid those mistakes and improve their lives. Yet, I commit some of the same mistakes. It's not that I don't know a better way. I can't plead ignorance. Rather, I am simply stubborn, belligerent, and sinful. I say and do these despicable things because I allow my humanity to overtake me, neglecting and rejecting the spiritual heights to which God has raised me through Grace. I hurt others, knowing full well what I am doing, and by the time my better judgment wins out, I've sinned against God and those I love, and the damage is done. Lord, forgive me my sins, and grant me the patience and wisdom to turn to You when my humanity becomes more than I can bear.

Kids and Cleansing

Here are some pictures Tiffany took of the kids at a park in League City. I really like these pictures, and I'm especially impressed that she was able to get them to pose so easily.

I know I'm biased, but I absolutely love looking at my kids. Is that narcissistic? I know they kind of look like me, so does that make me vain? Perhaps, but I like it that way. I really missed the kids when they were away for a week. They had fun, but I know they were ready to come home too.

I'm really looking forward to next week. We're going to the lake house for a few days. Very rustic living with few amenities; just the right environment to cleanse our spirits and purge all of the stress and worries of life. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm looking forward to coming back feeling renewed.

Can I get a break?

So I'm playing a friendly game of roller hockey on Sunday evening with my wife and kids (only Kari and I were in skates). I'm playing forward, making what I believe be a pretty good maneuver through the hole to the net, when out of nowhere comes a pink blurr. Regan, a pretty good defensivewoman, delivers a massive crosscheck, I swerved to try to avoid it, but in doing so, my skate stayed still, snapping the lower fibula and shattering the lower tibia in my right leg at the top of the skate boot. After making a splint out of hockey sticks and packing tape, Kari rush me to the hospital. On Tuesday, I had surgery to insert a rod in my leg to help the fibula heal. (Apparently, the tibia is superfluous, so they didn't do anything with it.) I also had a metal plate and screws inserted in my ankle because there was a fracture in my ankle as well.

I was released from the hospital on Wednesday evening, and I've been home recuperating since then. Kari's has stayed with me most of this week, and she has been absolutely incredible. No doubt this ordeal has been much harder on her than it has been on me because of the incredible burden she has had to bear. She is truly an incredible woman and my angel. I've also been helped by my parents and grandparents, who have all taken days off to be with me at the hospital and at home. This has been much easier to deal with because of their help and support. We are so grateful to be back in Texas where our family can help with emergencies like this.

On Monday I go back to work. That will be a challenge. Simply getting there will be difficult because I can't drive, and we'll have to figure out a way for Kari to get me and the kids where we need to go before getting herself to work downtown. We'll see how that goes. It's going to be an interesting 3-6 months.

It Is Finished

This morning I successfully defended my dissertation, and I now hold a Ph.D. in Family and Child Ecology with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy from Michigan State University.

Thank God THAT'S over.

This has been the most trying, exhausting, frustrating experience, but it now feels very fulfilling, and I'm sure it will feel even more so as I reclaim my life. I didn't accomplish this alone, though. Many people helped. I'll post my acknowledgements soon, but right now, I want to write about the defense experience.

I was extremely nervous. I have a tough committee, and they can be very picky and critical. They certainly were so today, but their criticism was nothing I can't handle. I didn't begin very well, though. I was 5 minutes late because I had problems printing and copying my handouts. I didn't mean to wait until the morning of the defense to print it, but that's what happened. The copiers in the Union were acting up, as I should have guessed they would. I walked in, began to apologize, and then set up my presentation. I started going through the research questions and my results to warm us all up. They didn't need much warming, however, as the questions quickly began to flow. They primarily asked questions about my conclusions and implications, wanting more information or explanation of statements. They wanted me to discuss the recruitment methods that were miserable failures, in addition to those that worked. They told me about ways to highlight the study's significant and extrapolate meaning from role of the study in the pantheon of fathering research and therapy research. All in all, their comments and criticisms were very helpful and appropriate, but I kept waiting for the floor to fall out from under me. I just knew that any minute one of them would bring up the dealbreaker, the issue that would prevent me from returning to Texas with a Ph.D. in hand.

That issue never came up. After our discussion, I was sent out of the room for them to deliberate. After 5 minutes or so (what I thought to be a remarkably short amount of time), Dr. Carolan came out and said, "We're ready for you, Dr. Martin." At that moment, I was informed that they had passed me and granted my degree. Needless to say, I was elated. I then sat down with Dr. Carolan and went over the various revisions that I am to do. Basically, I have to complete the revisions this weekend (I can probably finish it all tomorrow), call Dr. Carolan and talk her through them, and turn the completed dissertation into the MSU Graduate School. All of the forms are signed; they simply need to be turned in on Monday.

When they are all turned in, I will officially be done, but I have the degree now. I have relaxed and run errands today. Tomorrow, I finish the work, but as far as I'm concerned, it is finished.

Judgement Day

At 10AM on this Friday, January 19, 2007, I could use a lot of prayers, good vibes, good mojo, or whatever you can send my way. I will be defending my dissertation, which will be the culmination of the last year and a half, not to mention the last four and a half years of doctoral education and the last 11 and a half years of higher education. Needless to say, I'm ready for it to be over. I have a good job now that I really enjoy, and I really want to dive into it more, but this thing still hanging over me is a nuisance.

Of course, I already "graduated", back when I thought the dissertation would be finished last summer. But now it will be for real. I can finally and officially move on with my life after this weekend. It will be a great feeling.