Today I began a stage of my life as a stay-home dad. Tuesdays through Fridays, for the foreseeable future, I will be the primary caregiver while my wife goes back to work. I plan to see clients on Mondays and work on my dissertation on Mondays and scheduled times in the evenings and on weekends. We're doing this primarily to save on childcare, but I'm looking forward to it as a learning experience.
I also hope that I can help change perceptions about fathers. The dominant perception in our society is that if one parent stays home with the children, it should be the mother. Mothers are believed to be inherently more nurturing and, therefore, the superior parent. I don't believe that this is the case. While mothers are generally more nurturing than fathers, I believe that it is largely a socialized characteristic, not an inherent one.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when I'm out with the kids (actually, this mainly happened when I would be out alone with Aidan when he was an infant), and someone says, "Oh, are you being Mr. Mom today?" My response is always, "No. I'm being a dad." It bothers me for two reasons. One, it implies that being an active parent is primarily a mother's role, and any "help" the father gives is just that: Help (i.e. voluntary and extracurricular). Two, it brings up thoughts of the Michael Keeton/Teri Garr/Martin Mull film of the early 1980's. While the film made some great statements about women in the workplace (a common theme in early 1980's films), it is not an incredibly flattering look at stay-home dads. It shows the father staying home as a last resort and basically bumbling his way through it. (Paper towels used as a diaper?! Come on.)
When people see me out with Aidan and Regan over the next couple of months, I want them to pay no more notice to me than if I was a woman. I know that won't always happen, but that's what I want. I'm a father, and I know I can care for my kids as well as a woman (well, except for the breastfeeding part).
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Meet the stay-home dad (NOT Mr. Mom)
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2 comments:
Yes, Jason. Don't try to breastfeed. I saw Peter Griffin on "The Family Guy" try to do it once and Stuey just got a hair lodged down his throat.
Sorry if that's a disturbing image, but you did mention it first.
Jason, you will do just great with the kids. You already do so much more than a lot of dads to do. That is to say that in my humble opinion, some dads have been the culprit of the old image. Some dads really didn't want much to do with their kids until they were old enough to throw a football or baseball around with. Now that of course is not true for every dad. My daddy was a sensitive very careing father. But he was a Christian dad and I believe that makes a huge difference in a man's personal perception of his parenting role.
But no matter how great the father is, and this goes for you too, I have noticed one thing about a man as the "nurturer" of their children. They sometimes get too rough in their correcting of the children. (Yes, you are right. A woman can be too.) So be gentle. Think about the way you correct and put yourself in the child's place. I know I made a lot, a lot of mistakes in my parenting. Kim and I did not agree on a lot of things. If I could do it all over again, I would talk your father out of being so dogmatic about bedtime. He still looks back on that as the worst part of his parenting experience. Kyle didn't really need that much sleep and we should have let it go. Hey, no matter how much of a night person one is, they eventually go to sleep.
Okay, that's a long response. Sorry.
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